|
|
•
Fear Of Commitment
Explained: No Situation Is Hopeless - Christine Akiteng
In an attempt to
understand a partner’s fear of commitment, we seek
information to help us stay hopeful but in the process
of information seeking, it’s too easy to be completely
derailed -- and completely confused by all the
conflicting information out there.
I don’t know about you, but much of the available
information on fear of commitment is always negative and
discouraging. And then there is all this use of
“catch-all” phrases (fear of commitment, commitment
phobia, emotionally unavailable, men/women who can’t
love) that really don’t explain anything in depth.
What is even more troubling is that so many men and women are
using these phrases (especially “fear of commitment” and
“commitment phobia”) as cope outs and excuses not to
commit. Because “fear of commitment” and “commitment
phobia” is now so fashionably acceptable (even so cool)
it’s easy to say to someone “I am a commitment phobe” or
“I have fears of commitment” to stop them from
expecting, wanting or putting pressure on you to commit.
Fear of commitment is often not well understood even by
those who do experience it! I struggled with mine for
years before I really understood what was going on. And
in the process of understanding my own fear and over the
years helping others overcome theirs, I’ve recognized
three distinct concerns which many commitment-anxious
people experience.
1. Fear of COMMITMENT ITSELF
This fear has usually nothing to do with you. People who
fall under this category come in three different groups.
-- Those who don’t like having to make major decisions
-- making decisions simply goes against their nature.
They find it hard to stick with anything long enough to
reap the benefits. Their excuse is “I am spontaneous and
just don’t like to plan stuff.” But the difference
between spontaneous people and those who don’t want to
make decisions is spontaneous people make plans and
decisions -- but keep the options open.
-- Those who find it painful to make major decisions --
making any major decision is gut-wrenching and even
traumatic. This includes major decisions
like leaving a job for a new one, moving to another
state/country, putting a very sick pet to “sleep”, etc.
-- Those who just don’t like the idea of “binding”
decisions -- they see commitment as a point of “no
turning back” and so feel cornered and trapped. They get
anxious because commitment triggers fear of losing
freedom, of being tied down, of not being able to
pursue one’s dreams/goals etc.
If you are the person on
the receiving end of fear of commitment itself, you
really are never sure if you are in a relationship or
not. The person doesn't make contact until you do
and between "dates" nothing is going on that shows you
are in a relationship. It feels like a relationship but
it also feels like a booty -call (because these are the
only times you really "connect").
2. Fear of COMMITTING TO YOU
This fear of commitment is about you -- and not about
commitment itself. The fear is about making any promises
or commitments to you that they don’t fully embrace,
don’t believe they can keep or follow through.
The way you know someone has the fear of committing to
you is that they say they love you, that you a great
person and even act as if they are in a real
relationship but also say something is “missing” in how they
feel about you or in the relationship. In other words,
they have reservations about you and about the
relationship.
If you are the person on the receiving end, you often
feel like you are not the “priority” but rather a
“fall-back”. There is also often some obsession with
your imperfections/deficits, resentment of your
“neediness”, cheating, lies and sometimes even abuse
etc. going on. In most of these relationships, there is
on-and -off again breaking up and getting back together.
The break-ups are always because “something is
missing” and the person feels that he or she just can’t
take it anymore.
3. Fear of COMMITTING TO LOVE
This fear is about the person afraid of commitment. The
concerns of these people are very different from the two
concerns above. They aren’t afraid of commitment itself
and don't feel that something is missing in their
feelings for you -- or in the relationship.
The problem for them is that one part of them values and
desire love and commitment, yet another part of them
fears the very thing they want so much. And precisely
because they very much desire love and commitment, these
people are often
very loving and caring and treat their partners with a
lot of sensitivity and kindness -- and are very
attentive to a partner's needs (often out of guilt for
not giving their partners that one things their partners
want most -- commitment). They are also unlikely to cheat or
have affairs because of the value they place on love and commitment.
Unlike in the case where someone fears committing to you
because they feel “something is missing” in how they
feel about you or is missing in the relationship, the
person who has this fear of commitment takes off because
everything is so right about how they feel about you and
about the relationship -- and that scares the hell out
of them. They feel torn between extremes--longing to
take a step forward into a loving committed relationship
yet dreading being drawn in. Their fear often triumphs
over their love. This fear also often reaches the level
of a phobia, taking on a life of its own.
If you are on the receiving end of this fear, you have
no doubts you are loved beyond all measure. You feel
like a "loving couple living a couple's life", the only
thing missing is "commitment" and whenever commitment
comes up, you can literally see their struggle and
conflict and how torn they are. It's like watching a
scared child hiding in an open space in broad daylight
and have no idea what to say or do.
So, if you love your man
or woman and want to pursue a committed relationship
with them, you need first and foremost to clearly define
what frightens your partner about commitment and why.
None of all the three types of fear of commitment are
hopeless or impossible to overcome, it’s just that each
requires a different approach to dealing with the fear
of commitment and a different approach to
steering the other person (or yourself) through to the
other side -- the commitment side.
It's with this hope and knowledge of possibility that I
offer these insights, advice and personal reflections
from personal experience.
•
Should You Dump A
Commitment Phobe? Not Before You Read This -
Christine Akiteng
Having personally suffered
from severe commitment phobia for many years, I know
that being in love with someone who is afraid of
commitment is not fun at all, but does someone's fear of
commitment always have to be the end of a relationship?
In real life, some people are not really meant to be
together, and sometimes when you've tried everything
humanly possible -- and I mean really tried everything
including asking for divine intervention -- and failed,
it's smart to know when to walk away.
Walking away does not necessarily mean you will be able
to stop loving that person because if you really love
someone from your heart and soul you will never stop
loving that person. Love is so much bigger than all of
us because it's the very fabric by which we are made of.
And when you love someone what you are basically doing
is getting in touch with what you are made of. Trying to
stop love is like trying to get out of your own skin --
good luck with that!
Walking away or "getting over" that person means that
you stop expecting him or her to give you what he or she
in unable to, is unwilling to, or just doesn't want to.
And sometimes that something is commitment.
But I think a lot of people walk away too soon. This is
the sad reality of the "modern" world we live in. We
think that relationships come in little neat packages
with instructions "Add A Little Sex And Live Happily
Ever'. Many people don't realize that relationships need
time and work. And with all the advice about "too many
fish in the sea", walking away seems the coolest thing
to do. It shows that you "don't care" and from where
this kind of advice comes from, that is supposed to be a
good thing. But many years later -- just like the people
who gave you the advice -- you are still trying to
"catch fish" in that sea. What does it say about you if
you can't catch even one fish in a sea with too many
fish?
Many more aren't willing to work as hard to make a
relationship work as they work hard in their professions
or careers. These same people start pushing premature
commitment because of their own internal pressures and
are quick to conclude it isn't working and walk away.
And then there are some people who try to work things
out but go about it the wrong way -- nagging, begging,
blaming, guilt tripping, giving ultimatums, playing
break-up on and off again games etc. This very same
things you do to try to get a "commitment" are the very
things that make a commitment phobe even more weary of
committing or run like an escaped death-row convict.
So true, being in love with someone who is afraid of
commitment is hard, but commitment phobia is not a
"terminal illness".
Men and women do get over their fear of commitment. I
did. And you probably have heard or know of many men and
women who were written off as commitment phobes by the
people they were in a relationship with and two months
later they have committed to someone else. And the
person who dumped the commitment phobe is left confused,
angry, jealous, bitter and feeling terribly inadequate
-- like something is so wrong with her/him that someone
who could never commit to them, had no problems
committing to the next person.
Sometimes what a commitment phobe needs is:
-- someone who doesn't automatically assume that it's
all a selfish act but understands and appreciates where
the fear and anxieties are coming from (fear of losing
one's independence, fear of marriage, fear of intimacy,
fear of having kids, fear of financial burdens, fear of
sharing a home, fear of offending family members, fear
of moving to another state or country etc).
Understanding and appreciation can help the two of you
come to a compromise you can both live with.
-- someone who is emotionally well enough and
emotionally secure enough to give some real tough-love;
Many commitment phobes have been through so many
relationships and know exactly how the script plays out.
Having a game-changer who will not play by the script
can sometimes be the "shock therapy" a commitment phobe
really needs.
-- someone who is committed to really helping the
commitment phobe get to that place where he or she feels
"safe" enough to come out of their hiding place.
Commitment phobia, like all fear, is really a wall to
hide behind. And seeing that there is really nothing to
fear is a great relief to a commitment phobe.
So before you walk away, make sure that you've earned
your way out -- that is given it everything you got and
more. That way you don't look back with regret because
you dumped someone you still love and a few months later
he or she commits to someone else.
------------------------------------------------------------
•
10 Warning Signs He Is Not Committing To You Anytime
Soon - Christine Akiteng
When you are madly in love with a guy it is easy to
ignore all the hints he is giving you that tell you
don’t expect commitment anytime soon. Most guys are
pretty honest about commitment but many women stay in
the relationship hoping that he will come around in
time. I’ve worked with women who have hang in there for
several years (on-and-off) until the day he actually
says “I do” to someone else, but even then they keep
hoping that he will leave her and come back.
There are many warning signs men give out but here are
just a few most common ones. See if you can identify
with any one or several of them.
1. He tells you, you are beautiful, wonderful, loving,
kind, compassionate etc. and the guy who gets you will
be very lucky (translation: that guy is not me)
2. He doges talking about his past, avoids direct
questions, makes decisions alone and talks about a
future that does not include you (translation you better
be out of here before that time).
3. He is still in frequent and regular contact with one
or more of his ex girlfriends (or wife) and won’t
include you in the friendship or introduce you
(translation: you are not the “number one” in my life).
4. He is still angry at his ex girlfriends (or wife),
blames them for the problems in the relationship and
sees himself as a victim of “women” (translation: you
are a woman too, and you are my problem).
5. He tells you he cannot commit until he is sure that
he can take care of you (translation: I can’t even take
care of myself, don’t expect me take care of you).
6. He talks and treats you differently (not lovingly or
respectfully) in front of his friends and family from
when you are alone (translation: I don't care much what
they think of you as a potential “wife” or mother of my
children, you will never be).
7. He tells you he wants to take things slowly meet
other woman and have a kind of “open” relationship
(translation: I think there is someone out there who is
a better match for me).
8. Six months into the relationship and he is still
“just looking to see what happens” (translation: I am
not really that into you and the moment I meet someone
else I am out of here).
9. He tells you not to get emotionally “attached” to him
every time you tell him you love him (translation: what
do you expect me to say, that I love you, too, please!).
10. He tells you face to face that he is not interested
in settling down any time soon (translation: if you want
get married go find yourself someone else)
Sometimes you know deep down that the relationship is
going nowhere, you want to end it and move on but
because you and this guy have such a strong soul
connection you feel stuck. One part of you says “go”
another part says “but he is my soul mate”. Well he
could be your soul mate but not all soul mates are there
to stay for a lifetime. May be your soul has learned
what it wanted to learn from that relationship and is
ready to move on. Or may be each of you needs to do
their soul work separately and if it’s meant to be you
will later on merge again. You will never know until you
really take time to be honest with yourself and look at
your relationship for what it “really is now” rather
than what “might have been”.
------------------------------------------------------------
•
Why Men Who Are Afraid To
Commit - Christine Akiteng
How many
times have you heard a relative, friend or colleague say
“Right now our relationship is great, we have a
wonderful time and great sex, if we get married we’ll
end up just like all the other married couples?”
Well, I have heard that hundreds of times. Joe, not his
real name, is a really charming character, looks and
personality. He and Terry had been dating for four
years. He came to see me because they were growing apart
and he wanted me to help him figure out if he should go
ahead and get married even when his “intuition” was
telling him it would be a big mistake.
Usually when I work with people struggling with
commitment phobia, I tell them a little bit of doubt is
normal when taking a major life transition like
committing to another person. But for Joe it was more
than a little doubt. And if I had not met and seen him
and Terry together, I’d probably have thought, well, his
hesitation is a warning that things will not work out.
But even to a stranger, it was obvious that these two
were made for each other. So what was the problem?
Joe’s problem was not that he did not want to get
married. His problem was that that he was afraid that he
and Terry would end up just like his parents. Joe like
many of us had witnessed an unhealthy and unhappy
relationship between his parents when growing up. It was
not surprising that his childhood experiences
(consciously or unconsciously) coloured the way he felt
about commitment and marriage. He had as a child been a
victim of his parent’s dysfunctional relationship and
his subconscious was telling him that if it happened
once before, it could happen again. May be even, guilt
(mostly assumed by children in a dysfunctional union)
played apart. And with one out every two marriages
ending up in divorce, it was only natural that he felt
fearful and uncertain about the future.
Joe like many of us had allowed his parent’s definition
of marriage to control his own life. Many people,
especially men often associate “commitment” or marriage
with loss of freedom, routine and limitation. The word
“settling down” sounds like bringing down the
relationship from where it is at emotionally and
sexually. And for those who’ve been married and
divorced, the fear of going through it all over again
can be paralyzing.
What Joe needed to understand was that he had the choice
to redefine his own meaning of marriage and commitment.
Commitment is no guarantee that the other person will
always love, respect and protect us and yet without the
security a commitment sometimes provides most
relationships become superficial and directionless. Many
people emotionally and sexually involved over a
prolonged period of time without some sort of commitment
(even if it is a commitment not to get committed or a
commitment to talk about it at a later date) suffer from
a constant state of unconscious anxiety.
Through coaching Joe was able to feel confident enough
to redefine what commitment meant to him, personally.
Once he felt the power and freedom to create his own
experiences and give his own meaning to commitment the
relationship between him and Terry improved drastically.
Within a year they were married.
Sometimes just discussing what two people want a
commitment to mean and how they want their relationship
to look like removes all the concerns about making a
long-term commitment. What was fear becomes excitement
that comes from co-creating experiences that are unique
to two individuals. But quite often, it is hard for a
couple to sit down and discuss commitment because one
says one thing and the other hears something completely
different. When I spoke to Terry months after their
wedding she told me that when Joe said he was afraid
they’d end up like his or her parents, what she heard
was “all women want is commitment and a wedding”. And
sometimes she’d hear “you are just like my mother,
desperate, dependant and defenseless’. The Terry, I know
is nothing like desperate, dependant and defenseless.
She didn’t even want to get married right away all she
wanted was reassurance that the relationship had a
future. In the end, Joe was the one who really wanted to
commit and get married.
That said, when given a choice most men do what they
want and what they believe is in their best interest. If
you have to coerce a man to commit to you, you are
definitely with the wrong man. A man would not commit to
a relationship unless he is convinced he will get what
he wants now, and with reasonable expectations will
continue to do so in the future. Fortunately for women
what men want includes a love interest, trust, sex,
emotional support and commitment, some of the same
things women want but the way he perceives you is what
gives him that little psychological push he may need to
help him to make up his mind. Knowing what a man wants
and being aware of his apprehensions about commitment is
the first step toward understanding what it takes to
give a man what he wants from a relationship with you.
Remember, a pre-mature commitment, one that takes place
before you spend time deepening your knowledge of one
another can be powerful enough to sabotage and otherwise
well matched partnership.
------------------------------------------------------------
•
Why Mr. Charming Witty And
Dynamic Can't Love You Or Commit To You - Christine
Akiteng
We, women
are hopeless romantics and very competitive by nature.
We get so carried away by a man who is not a “typical
man” in that he phones when he says he will, he never
puts his work ahead of time to spend time with you, he
takes you to a lovely little restaurant and does the
ordering. He seems interested in everything about you
and as you talk he sits there gazing at you with those
electric eyes absorbing everything. You feel so
wonderful and your sexual feelings are at a high pitch.
And when Mr. Charming and witty and dynamic and most
romantic man in the world says to you, “I’ve never felt
like this with any other woman” you think you’ve
arrived. You never stop to think “why not?”.
If he is twenty-something, well, he’s too young and
still has to feel things for a woman, but if a
thirty-something plus man tells you he’s never felt such
emotion before, Honey, sit up and remove those romantic
blinders off. Take a closer look at what you don’t want
to see.
Men who say they’ve never felt strong emotions towards a
woman usually send warning signs that they have problems
trusting, loving or committing to a woman but being the
romantics we are, we always find a way to rationalize
those warning signals away. For example you could have
noticed that he has a habit of lumping all women
together and categorizing them as selfish, manipulative
or untrustworthy. You were a little bothered by this but
managed to talk yourself into ignoring that obvious red
flag.
You even talk yourself into ignoring the fact that Mr.
Wonderful is uncommonly good at giving reasons why he’s
never gotten closer to the women he dates. There’s
always a fatal flaw with each and every one of the women
he’s been with: “Tracy, she was perfect for me, except
she was too demanding”. “Maria, she was really beautiful
except that she was gimme this, gimme that”. “Karen, I
really liked her except that she had this really
annoying Minnie Mouse voice” etc. In your romantic
blinders and competitive pants these statements may seem
like proof that you are special, but it will not be long
before you start feeling like you are always attacked in
very subtle ways, but you won’t quite understand why.
Let me not forget to mention that men who have
difficulty trusting, loving or committing to a woman
love to intellectualize about the nature of the
difference between men and woman. “Women are irrational,
men are more level headed” or “You can watch a game with
a guy and never says two words to him, but women are
always talking” etc. Even when masked with flattery
their devaluating women every opportunity they can get
is just another way for them to justify their inability
to trust, love or commit to a woman.
I must add that many of these men have “justified”
reasons as to why they can’t trust, love or commit to a
woman. Many of them have been truly hurt, abused,
controlled, ignored, rejected, laughed at. etc. by women
in their lives and they carry all these inside of them –
yes, we women sometimes do this to men.
The problem for you is that your relationship will in
the long term become destructive and even dangerous.
When anything goes wrong the problem is always the
“woman”. And no matter how much you try to improve,
change, grow etc., you will still feel inadequate,
guilty, and somehow off-balance. Your self-esteem slowly
plummets to an all time low.
If this is a pattern in your life – attracting men who
have a hard time trusting, loving or committing to a
woman, you need to start dealing with serious issues of
your own. Why do you attract these kinds of men? Why do
you put yourself through the pain of being devalued and
made to feel inadequate? What are you trying to prove
and to whom?
------------------------------------------------------------
•
Fear Of Commitment And How
You Can Defeat It Or Help Someone You Know or Love -
Christine Akiteng
One of a
growing number of reasons frustrated singles turn to the
help of a dating coach is to help them overcome fear of
commitment or help them deal with a lover’s fear of
commitment.
If you’ve been reading my articles, by now you know that
for many years I was a commitment phobic. In one case, I
backed out of a proposal the moment the words “yes” left
my mouth. I got out of that one by pretending the “yes”
was a joke. The other time, I just didn’t turn up at my
own wedding - left the groom waiting at the altar. The
third time, I really wanted to conquer the fear I had of
commitment and decided the best way to do this was to do
the “proposing”. Needless to say, I really made a
complete ass of myself. The guy said “no”. As it turns
out, it was the same guy I had said “yes” to and backed
out by claiming it was a joke. The joke was on me the
second time round…
So how did I overcome my fear of commitment - by facing
my “demons” head on. My own experiences have provided me
a lot of reference in my work helping other people
overcome their own fears of commitment.
If you are fighting “commitment phobia”, you will
identify with one or more of the most common fears men
and women have about the commitment. And who knows may
be you too will soon be enjoying a fabulous committed
relationship – I am! And if you are in a relationship
with someone struggling with making a decision as to
whether to move on or not, you can show him or her that
you are sensitive to his or her fears by helping him or
her discover and confront his/her fears. Some these
fears and anxieties are obvious; others are subtle.
1. Fear of the unknown
New experiences and demands can be stressful. You don't
know just what is round the corner, and you worry about
this. You are more content to stick with status quo than
to opt for an uncertain future. This fear is especially
pronounced in those people who lack self-confidence and
the fear can escalate when demands are made on us.
2. Fear of making a mistake
The decision not to decide is itself a decision, and
frequently a mistake! This fear is common among men and
women who have more choices they can pick from and the
more the choices the greater the fear. You fear that you
will regret the decision tomorrow, next week, or next
month and so delay and drag out the process hoping that
you won’t make a mistake or fail.
3. Fear of losing family and friends
We all rely on the support of family and friends. You
fear losing those people who do not approve of your
decision (family, friends, children from previous
marriage etc) because you have a strong need for the
social approval of others. But this fear is not simply
about not being able to handle their anger or rejection
but fear of when things go wrong – and having them say
“I told you so”.
4. Fear of losing control
We all want to feel that we have choices and are in
control. And part of the sense of control is in being
able to control the timing of a relationship (when and
how it’ll happen). What usually happens is that
everything is going on well, but once you feel that you
are losing that control you freak out and back off.
Often if we have a bad experience we are influenced by
it and almost expect history to repeat itself, setting
up negative expectations. To overcome your fears pay
attention to what you are privately saying to yourself
when confronted with fear? What are the are your
underlying personal beliefs about the fear. Write these
beliefs on the left side of a piece of paper. On the
right side, challenge your beliefs as if you were on the
opposite side of a debate.
Next, go back to the last time(s) you experienced any of
the fears above and didn't cope well with it leading you
to doubt yourself. Ask yourself, “What is the worst
thing that will happen this time?" Then again challenge
your beliefs as if you were on the opposite side of a
debate. You’ll be surprised how easy this is. By taking
another side from your usually mindset, you’ll open your
mind to another viewpoint.
------------------------------------------------------------
•
Why You Should Not Commit
To Someone In The First 3-6 Months Of A Relationship -
Christine Akiteng
I
understand how exciting it is to have finally found
someone but before you get too involved make sure you've
asked enough questions, aren't giving in to sexual
chemistry alone, acting on the promise of material gain,
making premature compromises, putting commitment before
true love and happiness, and ignoring the warning signs
of potential problems, hurt and a broken heart.
You can know certain things about a person within a few
days or weeks of meeting him or her, but there are other
things that take time to know about a person in order
for you to decide whether to continue or stop seeing the
person.
Realistically it is not advisable to commit to someone
in the first 3-6 months of a relationship when you are
likely running on oxytocin, which is a chemical found in
chocolate. Oxytocin creates the sense of well-being and
euphoria that comes with “falling in love.” This might
as well be dubbed the period of temporary insanity,
because you are not in command of all your faculties;
your brain is hijacked by those lovely chemicals,
interfering with your ability to think clearly.
Here are some guidelines to help you at each stage of
your relationship. Do not feel frustrated if say you are
at stage two of your relationship but still haven't
found out things that you should have at stage one. Just
make sure that you try to find out those things before
you move to the next stage. Also all relationships move
at different paces, the stages are guidelines to move
you through to where you want your relationship to go
and not rules that must be strictly followed. The idea
is to know when to quit and what needs attention for the
relationship to move forward.
Stage One ( 0 - 3 months). Make sure you know enough
about his or her;
Family
background
Attitude towards life, about love, commitment,
children (if you want to have some), personal
growth, professional help etc.
Spiritual beliefs and practices, ethics and morals
Sexual attitudes and preferences
Career goals, financial background and habits
Past love relationships, sexual history (including
sexually transmitted diseases), break up patterns or
lessons learned
Health habits; food, exercise, grooming, cleanliness
- personal and surroundings etc
Fears, phobias, addictions and any mental health
problems, etc.
Interests, hobbies, dislikes etc
Stage Two
(3 - 12 months). At this stage you should be sure
whether you are emotionally invested in this
relationship or not. If you are not or feel that the
other person is not, this is the time to get out. Be
honest about how the relationship makes you feel.
Do you
feel the person is emotionally mature?
Do you feel he or she hasn't recovered from past
relationships?
Does he or she seem to have serious issues from his
or her childhood that may or are affecting the
relationship (needy, dependant, controlling,
manipulative, abusive etc)?
Is he or she emotionally (and physically) available
- do you spend enough quality time together?
Do you care more about the person than he or she
does about you?
Does he or she care more about you than you do about
him or her?
Are you more in love with the person's potential
than the real person?
Are you infatuated with him or her for external
reasons (looks, family background, social status,
material possessions etc) more than you really care
about the person?
Are you spiritually and sexually compatible?
Does the person remind you a lot about a previous
partner (in an uncomfortable way?)
Do you exaggerate the persons qualities or lie to
friends, family or co-workers about how you truly
feel and about the relationship?
Does the person support you in your goals,
ambitions, interests etc and are they proud of you
and show it?
Is the person faithful, devoted and affectionate
towards you?
Do you feel loved unconditionally?
Stage
Three (Over 12 months). At this stage you should be in
love. You know you love him or her and he or she loves
you. You get along well and you've introduced him or her
to friends, family and colleagues. Make sure that you've
discussed all the possible time bombs and have agreed on
how to handle issues related to this when they come up
(and if there are any);
Significant age difference
Differences in spiritual or religious beliefs
Differences in social, racial, ethnic or educational
background
Children from previous marriage or relationships,
in-laws and other extended family
Ex-spouse (s), girlfriends, boyfriends etc.
Holidays, gifts, anniversaries and other special
occasions
------------------------------------------------------------
•
10 Signs You Are Ready To
Date Him/Her Exclusively
- Christine Akiteng
You like
him/her so much and he/she likes you. The two of you
seem content and happy together, should you try to make
it a little more “exclusive” and how do you know if you
are ready to make that leap?
1. You have experienced dating dozens of people and are
ready to date one "special person" - and something
inside you says "he/she's special". Not “perfect” but
“special”.
2. You have a real clear vision and definition of where
each is coming from and wants to go.
3. You’ve had your first fight and you both know how
nasty the other can be – sometimes – and the
relationship has grown even stronger as a result. If you
can’t get past what you fought about going exclusive is
like putting a huge piece of wood over a fire that has
not died out yet.
4. You know deep in your heart that you can trust
him/her and are not constantly worried about what
he/she's doing or who he/she's with. Your wanting to be
exclusive should not be because you can't stand the
thought of sharing him/her. If your intentions come from
feelings of insecurity and possessiveness, chances are –
without exception- your relationship will become intense
and unstable with a painful breakup down the line.
5. You see a really cute woman/guy and you think of how
much you love the man/woman you are dating. It does not
mean you’ll never find others attractive, it just means
your emotions are invested elsewhere.
6. Your and his/her friends all know that you are seeing
each other.
7. You’ve had an open and honest discussion about dating
other people, lunch with an ex, chatting on line, going
out dancing with friends etc.
8. You don't sit by the phone waiting for him/her to
call because you have a strong support network of
friends, family and community.
9. You feel secure within yourself, with him/her and in
the relationship. All relationships have some degree of
doubt in there - you know when you are more sure than
doubtful - most of the time.
10. You honestly believe there might be a chance of
something more serious and lasting.
Hopefully you both will know if you want to be exclusive
and/or both of you come to the decision together. But if
you are ready to move into exclusivity and he doesn't
make a move or she doesn't seem to be thinking about it
even after you’ve dated for at least 6 months, my next
article - 4 Ways Of Finding Out He/She Wants To Be
Exclusive has some very useful tips for approaching the
situation.
------------------------------------------------------------
•
4 Ways
Of Finding Out If The Person You Are Dating Wants To Be
Exclusive - Christine Akiteng
You It’s a
well known fact that if things are all moving along
nicely and you are comfortable with each other, you both
should know if you want to be exclusive without having
to say it. But what if you are ready to move into
exclusivity and he doesn't make a move or she doesn't
seem to be thinking about it even after you’ve dated for
at least 6 months how do you find out if he/she is
willing to give up all others and date you exclusively.
Going about it the wrong way, like nagging and begging,
will likely make him/her run for the door, so what is
the right way to approach the situation?
1. Take note of how much “quality" time the two of you
spend together.
If your dates consist primarily of dinner and a movie,
watching late-night TV, cuddling and then having sex but
after the night of so-called passion, he/she disappears
and forgets to call you for several days, that’s not
dating, that’s a booty call. Let's face it – it’s
obvious he/she just wants sex, nothing more. And why buy
the cow (and all the maintenance costs) if you can get
the milk for free.
2. If you met him/her on a dating site/service ask
him/her if he/she still uses it.
Keeping a profile on a dating service when he/she is
dating you is not any different from hanging around
single bars. If you are okay with him/her hanging around
single bars - alone - then keeping a profile and logging
onto their account daily when he/she is dating you
should be no problem. Just keep in mind that how a
man/woman you're dating handles “disconnecting from all
others" tells you a lot about how they will handle
commitment once you decide to be exclusive.
That said there are some dating websites that make it
difficult for members to go offline. But if you managed
to go offline, he/she should be able to do so as well.
3. Ask him/her how long, in the past, he/she dated with
an ex's before he/she became aware he/she was the
right/wrong person.
If they dated for 8 months then wait 8 months before you
bring up the issue of exclusivity. If on the other hand
you’ve been dating for more than 8 months (past their
usual “know" time), then you need to bring up the issue
of exclusivity (see No.4 for a subtle way of doing this)
4. Get him/her to say so
The best way to convey that you’d rather he/she dates
only you is to get him/her to say so. One subtle way
(there are others) of asking him/her if he/she is seeing
others besides you is to say something along the lines
“you are a great a catch, there must be so many other
men/women who want to date you." If he/she proudly and
excitedly tells you there are many others and even
begins telling you stories and names you know he/she is
not ready to be exclusive. His/her self-worth is still
tied to how many others find him/her desirable.
If he/she keeps quiet, acts confused, changes the
subject, or says something vague about wanting to get
exclusive "some day," then may be he/she thinks it’s too
early or just not yet sure if you are the one. If the
answer is yes there are many but I am not interested,
ask him/her "why not?" If he/she says "because I have
you", "I'm happy with things the way they are between
us", etc, you’ve got your answer.
Never, ever, assume you’re exclusive and don’t depend on
your own psychoanalyzing his/her behaviour to figure out
why he/she can’t commit (maybe he’s terrified of
commitment. Maybe he needs some time or some
psychotherapy. Maybe she just doesn’t like me that much
etc, you’re going to spend a lot of time being
surprised.
------------------------------------------------------------
•
3 Important Steps
That'll Make A Commitment Phobe Want Commitment -
Christine Akiteng
Many relationships today
end because one person wants commitment and the other is
afraid to commit. The one who wants commitment is left
feeling unwanted while the one who is afraid of
commitment goes from one relationship to another and
even keeps on leaving and returning to relationships
with an ex because he or she won't commit to a long-term
relationship.
I've even met and worked with men and women who are so
afraid of commitment that they self-sabotage themselves
by presenting themselves unattractively in order to
discourage the other person from wanting a serious
relationship -- even when they are attracted to the
person.
Why do they do this?
Because they have fear-filters through which they see
commitment and have a particular unhealthy emotion or
image they have attached to commitment. And just like
all phobias, nothing is rational about their fear of
commitment -- or even conscious for most people. Most
people know that they get anxious, panic and want to be
"FREE".
This need to be "FREE" could come from fear of loss of
identity or freedom, or fear of limitation, fear of
responsibility etc. It's different for each commitment phobe.
In my case commitment for me spelt "finality". Words
like: my wife, marry me, down the road, in the future,
you forever etc. even if they were not applied to me or
said to me directly would send me into panic mode -- and
I mean that literally in that I would get up and take
off (on foot, in a car, plane etc) to God only knows
where. It felt like someone was screaming in my ear
"prison, prison, prison" or "the end of the world is
here!"
Is there any chance that your commitment phobic man or
woman will overcome his or her fear of commitment and
commit -- to you?
Absolutely! If you are dealing with a classic case of
"run as soon as you feel things are getting serious"',
his or her fear to commit is not always a warning sign
that things will not or never work out. Your man or
woman could still commit -- and quickly -- especially if
he or she says he or she loves you, treats you
exceptionally well but reacts negatively towards you
when anything related to commitment comes up.
But this is not something that you can do on your own.
You can't pull out a commitment from a commitment phobe,
however great the relationship is. And all the threats,
ultimatums, pleading, hide-and-seek games, bragging how
other men or women are attracted to you or even
smothering him or her with attention will never get a
commitment phobe to commit.
You need his or her cooperation to co-create a unified
vision for your relationship and take action to realize
that vision. For you to get your man or woman thinking
commitment you have to take an approach that
figuratively has both of you sitting on the same side of
the table striving together instead of the opposite
sides of the table trying to "conquer" the other
(adversarial confrontational style).
Here are just three things you can do -- for starters.
1. Make sure that it is really commitment phobia
It's natural to wonder and have questions about a man or
woman's emotional availability. Almost everybody has
these concerns.
The trouble begins when you let your own "stuff"
(ticking clock, co-dependency, jealousy and/or
neediness) ruin A potentially great relationship. Your
own internal pressures can make you jump to conclusions
calling the other person a commitment phobe when in fact
the other person is reacting to other stressors in his
or her personal life or reacting to things in the
relationship (your attitude, behaviour or actions) that
have very little or even nothing to do with fear of
commitment.
You want to be sure that it's not just you, but that
there is really something going on with your man or
woman that you need to know. And just knowing he or she
has "commitment phobia" doesn't say enough. You need to
know how he or she came to the conclusion that he or she
has commitment phobia, how he or she runs away, if he or
she just wants a casual relationship with you but
covering it up with saying he or she is afraid of
commitment, whether he or she is interested in you for
you or because you're convenient (an enabler), etc.
You need to get the answers from your man or woman and
not resort to theorizing or doing crude psychology on
him or her. You need to get the answers from him or her
but without applying any pressure -- or as little as
possible. The more you press him or her for answers the
more he or she withdraws from you or even walks away.
It's best to use creative, lively and thought-provoking
questions that generate discussion as well as provide
the answers you seek. Questions like, "What is that
like?', "How does that make you feel?", "Why do you
think that happened?", "What did you know about…?",
"Explain what that means?" asked in natural ongoing
conversations can uncover what your man or woman is
thinking or feeling in-depth.
If you can keep him or her on the subject and he or she
doesn't try to alter the topic of conversation you'll be
able to get very useful information relating to his or
her fear of commitment. You can then use this
information to raise questions in his or her mind and
stimulate his or her thinking in ways that challenge his
or her fear-filters and/or unhealthy emotions or images
they have attached to commitment. This is not about you
trying to Bbe smarter or trying to change his or her
mind but you getting to the bottom of his or her fears,
concerns, reservations as well as desires, hopes and
dreams for a relationship.
2. Redefine what "commitment" means to you as a couple
Sometimes just discussing -- in very specific terms --
what two people want in a relationship and how you want
your relationship to look like removes all the concerns
about making a long-term commitment.
If your man or woman is open to talking about his or her
fears and anxieties surrounding commitment, instead of
beating him or her on the head with the word
"commitment" or insisting that he or she commits (or
else), communicate to your man or woman what you want in
very specific terms.
Important: It is very important to be clear on what is
important to you. Be clear about why what you really
want is important to you. Your man or woman needs to
know exactly why whatever you are asking for is
important to you, not just that it's important period.
Here are some examples of ways you can say "commitment"
at different stages of the relationship and without
necessarily saying the "C-Word".
1. Honestly communicating feelings (important: feeling
secure in the relationship).
2. Spending more time together or sharing most aspects
of each other's lives (important: knowing that the other
will always be there).
3. Putting your time and energy into making the
relationship special and worth nurturing (important:
emotional and sexual intimacy/monogamy).
4. Planning for the future -- children and a family
(important: marriage)
Concentrate on creatively generating your own
definitions, types and styles of commitment that best
fit the different stages of the relationship -- one
progressive stage at a time. Each stage and level of
commitment will look different from couple to couple,
depending on what your values are, and on the
circumstances surrounding your relationship.
Do not try to force your limited view of a relationship
(which may even be unrealistic) on to your partner,
instead allow him or her to imagine and explore what he
or she really wants without the obligations of a
pre-determined way of doing things.
Knowing that the two of you want the same things even if
you are saying them in different ways can turn fear into
creative excitement.
3. Focus on common goals as opposed to individual
positions
Do not get yourselves locked up in "I want commitment
and you don't" positions. When you take these kinds of
positions, you get railroaded by "you vs. me" and in the
end you lose track of why you are together in the first
place.
Believe it or not, many people with a fear of commitment
know they have a problem and most don't like themselves
for being this way. But they also don't want some
"know-it-all" -- who doesn't know that it feels like to
have this phobia -- telling them how they should be
feeling or what they should be doing. It's like saying
"I am perfect and you are not" or "I am better than you
because I am not afraid of commitment". I used to get
really ticked off with "stupid' men sending me internet
articles and buying me books on commitment phobia. It
just made me want to "hurt" them instead of wanting to
commit.
Instead of following the dictates of one (I want
commitment) or the other (I don't want commitment)
explore the larger possibilities of working together to
realize each other's dreams, support each other's goals
and satisfy each other's needs. This is an opportunity
to really take advantage of the creative power of
two-heads-are-better-than-one.
The three steps are just a start. If handled with trust,
honesty, absence of manipulation or control, and
authenticity, you'll be surprised to find that
conversations on commitment can create a platform for
bringing your most honest selves to the table. You
really get to understand what your man or woman is
about, what he or she cares about, and what he or she
really wants to see happen before he or she makes a
genuine commitment that he or she will follow through
on.
Let me just say this again, you can't pull out a
commitment from a commitment phobe without his or her
cooperation. Threats, ultimatums, pleading,
hide-and-seek games, bragging how other men or women are
attracted to you or even smothering him or her with
attention is the height of spinning your wheels.
You need his or her cooperation to co-create a unified
vision for your relationship. If there is no alignment
or no agreement, there will be no commitment.
------------------------------------------------------------
•
The Other Woman: How To
Get Him To Want To Date You Exclusively - Christine
Akiteng
You've
been dating him a while, he clearly loves you (may be
even said those three words) and you love him. But there
is one problem, he is still seeing other women. You may
have even talked about seeing other people and at that
point in the relationship it was “okay” for either of
you to see other people . But now you’ve developed
feelings for him and you want the dating relationship to
be exclusive. How do you get him to be interested in
dating just you?
There are three schools of thought on how this can be
accomplished.
1. Give him an ultimatum - give him 3 weeks or 3 months
to end his relationship with the other woman or you will
break up/ move on.
Ultimatums are usually a very bad idea. Even though he
might feel love and want to be with you, the last thing
a man wants is to be forced into a corner, to be made to
feel powerless. His immediate reaction is usually to
fight back by leaving or staying and making your life a
living nightmare. Ultimatums (threats) suggest you've
already lost. You may end up with the physical form of
the man but not his mind, heart and soul.
2. Use unscrupulous manipulation - Don't return his
calls/emails the same day, pretend to be busy, keep him
guessing by dodging his questions, make him jealous by
chatting up another guy in his presence, use sex as a
bargaining chip etc.
Personally I’d never advice any woman to use any of
these silly games because I believe manipulating a man
to love you is like setting up your own trap for hurt
and pain. Secondly, I don’t think “impassioned and cold”
tactics work on all men, especially men who have many
other options. Just like a woman with very high
self-esteem and sense of self-worth won’t buy into
manipulation, a man with very high self-esteem and sense
of self-worth can see through that kind of femme fatale
trap and walk the other direction into the hands of a
more "passionate and warm" woman. Like I said you are
setting yourself up for your own heartbreak. And
seriously, if a man is that easily manipulated, do you
really want someone who has that sense of self worth?
3. Step up the game and fight for your man.
Many women fight “dirty” by putting down or making
derogatory remarks about the other woman’s
attractiveness and sexual activity (calling them
promiscuous), etc. When you make derogatory remarks
about the other woman you are sabotaging yourself
without even knowing it: 1) He’ll feel personally
attacked for his choice of women (big mistake). 2) You
are showing him your lack of confidence in yourself by
comparing yourself with another woman and 3) You are
pushing him to make a choice in favour of the other
woman especially if she’s not saying “bad” things about
you.
My mother always said “When faced with tough
competition, BE A WOMAN, fight clean, or don't fight at
all”. Fighting clean is subtly reminding him that you're
a unique catch. Don’t just tell him, show him. Find what
makes your man tick (every man is different); what’s
important to him, what he likes, what makes him laugh,
what makes him excited, what makes him sleepless at
night, the biggest lie he’s ever told, his deepest fear,
his darkest hour, the hardest fight he’s ever fought –
all that Bryan Adams inside out stuff. Dig down deep,
plug into his very “core” and then focus your attention
on creating an environment of love, nurturance, passion,
fun, trust, pleasure, enjoyment, intimacy, personal
growth etc - an environment that makes him tick, tick,
tick, tick...
Once he’s convinced himself that you are indeed a
“unique” catch, all others become insignificant. As for
the other woman - she is not your enemy she’s only your
competition – the winner takes the prize home - That's
just the way it is.
------------------------------------------------------------
COACHING BY PHONE
Not able to do in person
coaching or do phone sessions?
No Problem.
Pathway To A Committed
Relationship Program is now available to anyone living
anywhere in the world. All you need is a computer,
e-mail and access to the internet!
TAKE THE PROGRAM ONLINE
|
|
|
|
